Paperback Inheritance

My mom saved a stack of papers I’d written in high school and college, and I got them back yesterday. Jon and I had a good laugh over some (teen angst much?), but a couple have potential. I’ll be editing and sharing them here as I’m able. These days, writing time = naptime.

This piece was an object study for Advanced Creative Writing in 2007.

My father is not what you’d call a man of few words, but he does choose them carefully. Except when he’s watching Fox News—then he’s prolific. When he reads, he prefers political pieces, historical biographies, theories on the biblical exodus. I’d seen books by C.S. Lewis around the house and since he was the patron saint of Wheaton College, his works were practically required reading for an effective faith. After my first year, I came home inspired to catch up. I leaned my head against the doorjamb of Dad’s office. “Dad, if I wanted to read C.S. Lewis, where should I start?”

“What do you mean, ‘start’?” He crinkled his nose at me under his reading glasses. “Haven’t you read him before now?”

“No, but I figured it’s about time, yeah?” I smiled sheepishly.

“Well, start with the basics, sweetie. Mere Christianity is a good place; I think I have it laying around somewhere.” He stretched out his arms to the piles on his desk. Surely, it had been years since he’d read Mere Christianity, but Dad searched as though it was buried under the bank statements and budget worksheets. “I wonder where I put that,” he whispered as he rose from his desk chair. I anticipated his next move.

“In the basement bookshelves, maybe?” Dad and I often seem to ride the same train of thought, and sometimes I get to the next stop before he does.

“Oh, yeah—why am I looking here?” He gave a goofy grin. The older I get, the more transparent Dad is, and I love this about being an adult.

I bounced downstairs to the metal army-issue shelves in the basement, the ones whose retractable glass doors I always pinched my fingers in. I tilted my head to scan our collections of children’s books and bible studies. I landed on a little black volume: The Screwtape Letters. I remembered seeing it as a kid in the backseat of Dad’s Buick. Back then, he told me it was about demons and I was fearful, but now I was intrigued.

The book itself was nothing special: black jacket with white type. The cover image showed a small flame curling up from the tip of a feather pen of the same fiery orange. Fanning the pages released the smell of every basement bookshelf it ever inhabited. Damp, dust, Grandma’s moth balls, the sweet souring of time clung to the pages. Memories of basements all feel the same way: like a forgotten book resurrected into meaning and memory.

Even though this copy was 41 years old, the pages appeared untouched. When Dad read this book, he obviously didn’t sit with pen in hand, adding margin comments. My reading would have resulted in a dog-eared, inked-up mess. We’re different in the unnoticeable things, but similar in other ways.

I brought the book up to Dad. “You know, I think that came from the house in Downer’s Grove,” he told me. “I must have taken it years ago.” I could still recall my grandparents’ basement, freezing cold like 5AM and smelling like a hundred years. It was cluttered with relics of postwar suburbia: team pennants, mortarboard tassels, and a dusty vibrating belt machine. Dad told me he and his siblings left behind all kinds of junk when they moved out and Grandma stopped Grandpa from getting rid of anything.

“When they finally decided to clean out the basement,” he continued, “I came to claim what I wanted. I poked around the bookshelves and found that. I don’t even know who it belonged to, but no one cared that I took it.” He paused. “Hey, I think those are the same shelves we have now.” We each discovered that book in the same shelves. I smiled at how much alike we were becoming.

He recounted how this book opened his eyes to the diabolical world. It was The Screwtape Letters, not some heady academic book, that taught him the dangers of mediocrity. “You have to be careful, Mag,” he warned sincerely. “The devil has no stronger foothold than when you stop caring.” It struck me that he took so much away from this little piece of fiction, when it usually takes a precise, systematic argument to convince him. For some, this book picks at their perception of their own sin. I wondered if Dad felt it, too.

My good intentions to share Dad’s experience of the book never resulted in much: The book sat on my nightstand all summer, a coaster for countless glasses of water. In good faith, I packed it up for the move back to college, where it sat on a shelf all year because English majors don’t have time to read for fun. I’ve lost track of the book since then, but I hope it eventually lands on a basement bookshelf for Jack or Grace to find.


On growing up

Picture 3This is Jack. He’s 3. He doesn’t really nap in the afternoon anymore, but last Friday he crawled into my lap and fell fast asleep. He was hot and sweaty, Grace got upset, and I knew the timing would affect Jack’s bedtime, but I also couldn’t remember the last time I’d held him sleeping and I just couldn’t move him. And I took this photo because I’m not sure if it will be the last time.

I don’t remember our final breastfeeding session, or his last night sleeping in a crib, and I sure didn’t store away the memory of Jack’s last poopy diaper. I am totally enjoying this new stage of sleeping through the night and being potty trained. But I needed to capture this sweet moment.

This morning, Jack carried a toy out to the van but when he climbed in, he handed it to Grace and said, “I brought it just for you!” Sharing favorite toys does not come easily for Jack, and I was moved by this show of generosity. Then, right after arriving at childcare, I realized I left Grace’s water bottle on the kitchen table. Jack’s first response: “It’s okay, Mom, she can share mine!” I was proud of him.

The phrase, “No, I can do it myself” is becoming more common around here—as is “Try it yourself first.” He can manage the bathroom decently well (when wearing elastic-waisted pants!) and enjoys choosing his own clothes in the morning. His problem-solving skills are improving and he’s earned the nickname Mr. Negotiator because of his ability to counter with valid options other than what have been presented to him! His curiosity is growing, too, and he loves to ask about words and letters. He amazes us with the words he knows and can use properly (this week: reflection).

He loves to talk about the new baby. He asks to watch birth videos and we talk about how the baby will be born. He regularly sings “I can’t wait to meet the baby” (from Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood) and volunteers to feed and hold the baby. I know the baby’s birth will bring a host of changes for him, but I can’t wait to see Jack as a big brother, again.

I do love to be needed by my kids but watching them blossom into independence is so much more rewarding. He’s such an imaginative little helper who cares deeply for his sister. I’m just so proud of my little boy.

No Word 2016

Last year, I tried OneWord for 2015 and selected the word “balance.”

That word called to me last December because I was beginning to feel out of control. So much of my life revolved around the demands of other [little] people and I felt unbalanced and disconnected. I didn’t feel whole in the sense that all the parts of me didn’t feel in concert.

So January began with a marked intention toward balance. I was pinning articles and artwork related to my word, I ordered a notebook-style planner on Amazon (the kind that got me through college), and I got really serious about attending yoga sessions at our local Y—for the first couple months, it was 1-2 times/week.

10941383_810226828658_8405597240895668266_nIn mid-January, we attended winter family camp together (a highlight of our entire year), and I was inspired by the weekend speaker to begin blogging more carefully about the kids. I recorded the cute things they said, sure, but I also made sure I included the pieces of their personality that were God-given, the fruits of the Spirit we already saw in them, the spiritual gifts that had already begun developing in them. As they continue to grow up, I know we’ll be able to look back and see the seeds of who God made them to be starting to sprout even now.

The only concrete resolution I made was to blog at least once per month. Real talk: I forgot about my word after about April, and didn’t remember it until November. And I did not blog every month.

11760052_850987274398_8261262896368744944_nI worked really hard out of the gate to restore balance to my own life. But we forged new rhythms as a family and I discovered I couldn’t schedule the kind of balance I was seeking. The spaces on my calendar were representative of what I could do; the balance I longed for had to do with making peace with this stage of my life.

I reflected on the “failure” of my OneWord this December with Jon and realized out loud that I do feel more balanced, and it had so little to do with what I did to be balanced.


  • My kids entered new stages, began communicating verbally, became friends with one another, and started sleeping in their own beds in the same room (victory!).
  • My team at work launched a brand-new website that makes my job more streamlined and fun, and introduced exciting new challenges.
  • IMG_6681Jon and I spent a week in Paris and London—just the two of us—that gave us so much life and breath and joy. Which is not say those things had been missing from our marriage, but when you spend quality time with your best friend, you come away with a greater sense of how much you love them—as we like to say, how glad you are that they’re in your corner.
  • I began teaching a Sunday morning adult class, started making the announcements at The Table every now and then, and participated in morning worship a few times with dramatic readings. Jon has helped me recognize that public speaking is something God wired me for, and having these outlets has given me a sense of gratitude and fulfillment.


12191006_870113674938_830503387852467319_nI’ve learned that I’m not really the OneWord type. I don’t think I’ll make resolutions this year (I’ve never been the type to keep those, either). This will be another big year for our family, with another baby coming this summer, and we know life ebbs and flows—some stages are hard and some aren’t.

2016, bring it on. It’s just another stage, after all.